Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? More Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Whiskey Sour

by Leyner, Mark; Goldberg, Billy

• ISBN13: 9780307345974
• ISBN10: 0307345971
• Edition: 1st
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2006-08-01
• Publisher: Crown

Summary

The Doctor Is In . . . Again! Did the mega-bestsellingWhy Do Men Have Nipples?exhaust your curiosity about stuff odd, icky, kinky, noxious, libidinous, or just plain embarrassing? No, you say? Well, good, because the doctor and his able-bodied buddy are in! Again! Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg, M.D., now take on the differences between the sexesthose burning questions like Why doesn't my husband ever listen? or Why does my wife ALWAYS have to pee? And of course, Why do men fall asleep after sex?, plus plenty of others to keep you fully informed. Full of smart and funny answers to an onslaught of new questions, all in a do-ask-we'll-tell spirit that entertain and teaches you something at the same time,Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?offers the real lowdown on everything everyone wants to know about all things anatomical, medical, sexual, nutritional, animal, and mineral, but would only ask a physician after a few too many, like: Why do you have a "bionic" sense of smell when you're pregnant? Does peeing in the shower cure athlete's foot? Is a dog's mouth clean? Can you breastfeed with fake boobs? Does thumb sucking cause buckteeth? Do your eyebrows grow back if shaved? Bigger, funnier, and better than ever,Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?proves that in the battle of the sexes, as in most things, a little Q&A is a safe, effective, minimally invasive remedy. Also available as an eBook From the Trade Paperback edition.

Author Biography

Mark Leyner is the author of My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist; Tooth Imprints on a Corndog; I Smell Esther Williams; Et Tu Babe; and The Tetherballs of Bougainville. He has written scripts for a variety of film and television shows, and his work appears regularly in The New Yorker, Time, and GQ. Billy Goldberg, M.D., is an emergency medicine physician on faculty at a New York City teaching hospital. He is also a writer and artist whose paintings have been exhibited in New York City. Together, they are the authors of the number one New York Times bestseller Why Do Men Have Nipples?

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	xvii
Obligatory Prelude to the Foreword to the Prologue to the Preface of the Introduction	xix
Battle of the Sexes
Why do women pee more than men?	5	(1)
Why do women have smaller feet than men?	6	(1)
Are men better than women at math?	6	(1)
Why don't men listen?	7	(2)
Why don't women have Adam's apples?	9	(4)
Can men lactate?	13	(1)
Why do men snore more than women?	14	(1)
Why do men fall asleep after sex?	14	(9)
Do men sleep more than women?	23	(1)
Do men have shorter attention spans than women?	23	(1)
Why do women live longer than men?	24	(6)
In the Kitchen
Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?	30	(1)
Does milk cause an increase in mucus?	30	(1)
Is the red dye in maraschino cherries really bad for you?	31	(1)
Will a watermelon bush grow in your belly if you swallow a watermelon seed?	32	(1)
Why do you lose your sense of taste when your nose is stuffed?	32	(1)
Why does spinach leave a chalky taste in your mouth?	33	(1)
Does barbecuing cause cancer?	34	(1)
Why does food come out of your nose when you laugh while eating?	35	(1)
Is coffee good for your memory?	35	(1)
Why do wintergreen Life Savers spark when you bite them?	36	(1)
Is it true that you shouldn't drink grapefruit juice if you are taking medication?	36	(1)
Are blueberries good for your memory?	37	(1)
Is green tea really good for you?	38	(2)
Can you drink a gallon of milk in an hour?	40	(4)
The Wide World of Sports and Exercise
Does that black stuff athletes wear under their eyes really stop sun glare?	44	(1)
Do those nose strips really work?	44	(1)
Does Gatorade work better to quench thirst?	45	(8)
Is it true that you should eat a lot of carbohydrates the night before a marathon?	53	(1)
Will eating extra protein help build muscle mass?	54	(1)
What happens when you get the wind knocked out of you?	54	(1)
Does peeing in the shower cure athlete's foot?	55	(1)
Why do some people sweat excessively?	55	(1)
Can too much time on a bike lead to erectile dysfunction?	56	(1)
Is it good or bad to masturbate/have sex the night before a big game?	57	(4)
Is heading a soccer ball dangerous?	61	(1)
Why does the doctor say turn your head and cough when checking for a hernia?	61	(1)
Why do men need to wear a jock strap? (And why does it hurt so bad when you get kicked in the balls?)	62	(1)
Do steroids shrink your testicles?	63	(5)
No, I'm Not a Veterinarian!
Do animals commit suicide?	68	(1)
Do dogs have belly buttons?	69	(1)
Can a cockroach get stuck in my ear?	69	(1)
How do we know that dogs are color-blind?	69	(1)
What does a chimpanzee do with the umbilical cord after it has a baby?	70	(1)
Do toads cause warts?	70	(1)
Are bulls really attracted to the color red?	71	(1)
Why don't vultures get sick from eating rotten meat?	71	(1)
Is a dog's mouth clean?	72	(2)
Do rats cause rabies?	74	(1)
Why do people say, ``I have to piss like a racehorse''?	74	(2)
Why don't mosquito bites hurt when you get them, and why do they itch?	76	(1)
Why are some people sweeter to mosquitoes?	76	(1)
Why are bugs attracted to light?	77	(1)
Do bees die after they sting you?	78	(1)
Is it true that sharks have to keep swimming to stay alive?	78	(1)
Why do dogs wag their tails?	79	(1)
Is it true that cockroaches can survive an atomic blast?	80	(1)
Can animals be gay?	81	(1)
Do animals masturbate?	82	(1)
Do some people really have tails?	83	(8)
Insemination, Gestation, and Lactation (The Preggers Chapter)
Does standing on your head after sex increase your chances of becoming pregnant?	91	(1)
Should a man wait several days between sex to store up sperm if trying to impregnate his wife?	91	(1)
Are more babies conceived during a full moon?	92	(1)
Can a woman get pregnant from pre-ejaculation?	93	(1)
Why do you have a ``bionic'' sense of smell when you are pregnant?	93	(1)
Why can't you eat soft cheese during pregnancy?	94	(1)
Do any of these things induce labor: sex, spicy food, Chinese food, red wine?	95	(1)
Is it true that when you put your arms up when you are pregnant, the umbilical cord wraps around the baby's neck?	96	(1)
Is there any surefire way to determine the sex of the baby?	97	(1)
Can you breast-feed with fake boobs?	98	(9)
Can you breast-feed with nipple piercing?	107	(1)
Do your feet really grow when you are pregnant?	107	(1)
Why did rabbits die in old pregnancy tests?	108	(1)
Why do you get hairier when you are pregnant?	109	(1)
Do pregnant women really glow?	109	(1)
Why do your nipples turn brown in pregnancy?	110	(1)
What causes severe leg cramps at night during pregnancy?	111	(1)
Is it true that babies can be born with teeth?	112	(1)
Should pregnant women avoid cats and kitty litter?	112	(1)
Can squirting breast milk in a baby's eye help a clogged tear duct?	113	(1)
Can sleeping on your back hurt the baby?	114	(1)
Why shouldn't pregnant women dye their hair?	114	(1)
Will playing music to your baby make it calmer, smarter, and healthier?	115	(1)
Are summer pregnancies more likely to result in twins?	116	(1)
Is it true that all babies are born with blue eyes?	116	(1)
Is it true that some people eat the placenta?	117	(1)
Does having a lot of heartburn mean the baby has a full head of hair?	117	(1)
Does eating fish make the baby smarter?	118	(5)
Eyes, Ears, Mouth, and Nose
Are some people really tone deaf?	123	(1)
Why do you sneeze when you stare at the sun?	123	(1)
Does your heart stop when you sneeze?	124	(1)
What are the lines going down from the nose to the lip?	124	(1)
What causes ringing in the ears?	125	(1)
Is eye color genetic?	126	(1)
Why do your eyes water when you poop?	127	(1)
Why do some people have two different-color eyes?	127	(1)
Are your eyeballs the size at birth that they will be your whole life?	128	(1)
Do iPods cause hearing loss?	128	(4)
What are those dust particles you sometimes see floating in front of your eyes?	132	(5)
When water is stuck in your ears, where is it? How do you get it out?	137	(1)
Does thumb sucking cause buckteeth?	137	(1)
What is that thing hanging down in the back of your throat, and what is it for?	138	(1)
Why do your ears pop in an airplane?	139	(5)
Women Want to Know
Why do women always get urinary tract infections?	144	(1)
What is that sound a vagina makes after sex?	145	(1)
Are fat women more fertile?	145	(1)
Are top and bottom herpes the same thing?	146	(1)
Can friends synchronize their menstrual cycles?	147	(1)
Why can you eat three times more than normal when you have PMS?	148	(1)
Is your waist two times the size of your neck?	148	(2)
Why do your boobs get tender before your period?	150	(1)
Why don't women have hairy chests?	150	(8)
Do women have wet dreams?	158	(1)
Is douching dangerous?	159	(1)
Is there a treatment for severe PMS?	159	(1)
Is depression more common in women?	160	(7)
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the SPA
Why do I sneeze when I pluck my eyebrows?	167	(1)
Can deodorant really cause breast cancer?	167	(2)
Why do women's toes curl after years of wearing high heels?	169	(1)
Why does your skin get so dry in the winter?	170	(1)
Is it true that hair grows back thicker after shaving?	170	(1)
What causes ingrown hairs?	171	(9)
Does a calcium deficiency cause rough nails?	180	(1)
What purpose do freckles serve?	180	(1)
Do your eyebrows grow back if shaved?	181	(1)
When you pull out a gray hair, do two come back in its place?	182	(1)
Why don't you get goose bumps on your face?	183	(1)
Why do some women go bald?	184	(1)
Does smoking help you lose weight?	185	(1)
What makes self-tanner work?	186	(1)
Can you get toe fungus from a pedicure?	187	(1)
Can you get herpes from a hot tub?	188	(1)
Why does your skin get thinner as you age?	189	(6)
Growing Pains: FAQS About Puberty and Kids
Why is one of my breasts growing faster than the other?	195	(1)
Do growing pains really exist?	196	(1)
Why can kids tolerate cold pool or ocean water better than adults?	197	(1)
What is a wet dream?	198	(4)
Why do boys sleep later in the morning during puberty?	202	(1)
Why do boys' breasts grow during puberty?	203	(1)
Why does your voice change at puberty?	203	(1)
Does drinking milk really make you taller?	204	(2)
Why do we have pubic hair?	206	(1)
Does falling in love really cause chemical changes in your brain?	207	(1)
Does television really rot kids' brains?	208	(7)
Natural and Unnatural Cures That We Want You to Know About
Why should you breathe into a paper bag when hyperventilating?	215	(1)
Do those instant hand sanitizers really work?	215	(1)
Do copper bracelets help with rheumatism?	216	(1)
Can you get the flu from a flu shot?	217	(1)
Is it true that laughter has healing powers?	218	(1)
Why can we still not cure the common cold?	219	(1)
Why don't people who take nitroglycerin for their heart ever blow up?	219	(1)
When you use Propecia or Rogaine for hair loss, does hair just grow on your head or on your whole body?	220	(2)
Does ginger have any medicinal qualities?	222	(1)
Can garlic prevent heart disease or cancer?	222	(1)
Do magnets work to cure pain?	223	(1)
Do doctors really still use maggots and leeches?	224	(7)
The Lost and Found Department: A Random Assortment of Questions
Why do they call it your funny bone if it hurts so bad?	231	(1)
How does aspirin find the pain?	231	(1)
Why do feet smell?	232	(1)
Does arthritis flare up in bad weather?	233	(1)
Why does it feel so hot outside when it is 90 degrees if our body temperature is 98.6?	234	(1)
Why does sucking on helium make your voice sound funny?	234	(1)
What turns snot green?	235	(1)
Why do older people fart more than younger people?	236	(1)
Can bald men get lice?	237	(1)
Do humans really use only 10 to 20 percent of their brains?	238	(1)
Why do Asians turn red after consuming alcohol?	238	(1)
If you dream in color, does it mean you are crazy?	239	(1)
Is it true that you cannot die in a dream?	240	(1)
Are there more violent crimes when the moon is full?	241	(1)
Are you more likely to die in the passenger seat in a car accident?	241	(1)
Is there such a thing as a death erection?	242	(1)
Why do you shiver after you pee?	243	(7)
Why does my butt itch so much?	250	(1)
What causes a split stream when you pee?	250	(6)
'Tis the Season (To Ask Questions)
Are poinsettia plants really poisonous?	256	(1)
Can you get Lyme disease from a reindeer?	256	(1)
Why does turkey make you so sleepy?	257	(1)
What was wrong with Tiny Tim in A Christmas Carol?	258	(1)
What if Santa were lactose intolerant?	259	(1)
Is it true that there are more suicides during the holiday season?	260	(1)
Can your tongue get stuck on a frozen pole?	260	(1)
Can you get drunk from eating rum cake?	261	(1)
What would happen if a morbidly obese man got stuck in a chimney?	262

Excerpts

CHAPTER 1

BATTLE OF THE SEXES

It's 9 A.M. Leyner and I are sitting in our office, awaiting our first patients.

After finishing Why Do Men Have Nipples?, we decided to go into practice together. Leyner's BA in English and Masters in creative writing hardly qualified him to treat patients, and his adamant refusal to seek higher medical education didn't help matters. (Leyner was violently opposed to the idea of attending school again. During a rather heated discussion of the issue, he smashed a printer we'd just purchased for our new office, and scrawled an adolescent vulgarity on a print of Van Gogh's Sunflowers hanging in the hallway.)

When Leyner regained his composure, we realized that the thing that made our partnership work was our fanatical mutual admiration, our boundless love of arcane medical matters and our capacity to talk endlessly about our own insecurities and desires, and the personal crises and dilemmas in which life occasionally ensnares us. For some bizarre reason, people other than the two of us seem to be interested in what we have to say. . . . We finally agreed that if Dr. Phil could do it on TV, why couldn't we offer our learned and empathic counseling services. This would preclude the need for advanced degrees, and, I also figured it was a way to safely keep medical instruments and sharp surgical devices out of Leyner's emotionally unstable grasp.

Our office assistant, Wendy Thurston, who was recently fired from her position as senior editor at Half a Dozen Ponds Press after she was arrested for shoplifting lipstick from a Rite Aid, escorted our first patients of the day into our office. They were a young couple. The woman was attractive, conservatively dressed, and--at first glance--seemed somewhat despondent. Her husband, dragging behind, seemed more interested in the defaced painting in the hallway than in being here to address "issues" with his inexplicably unfulfilled wife.

"Who wrote 'sniff my crotch' on the Van Gogh out there?" he asked as he took a seat next to his wife. "I love it!!!" he guffawed, slapping his thighs.

His wife grimaced with chagrin. "You see," she said, "I married a philistine and a troglodyte."

"Insult me in English, you pretentious bitch!," the husband replied. Leyner assumed a fighting stance--the Drunken Crane pose of the Shaolin School.

I remembered the last time that Leyner assaulted a patient and hoping to avoid more litigation, I interceded and suggested that Leyner's pose is the typical noncommunicative and defensive position that spouses take and that this impedes further discussion. A dissapointed Leyner shrugged in agreement and slouched into his leather armchair.

As I turned to the fuming couple, I asked them to role-play with us. I offered to play the husband to our female patient and Leyner enthusiastically embraced the opportunity to play wife to the man.

I began, "Sometimes patients feel more open and honest with a surrogate spouse, so I want you to tell me exactly what you need from me in this marriage." Sheepishly the woman responded, "I need a partner, a soul mate, someone to talk to. Sometimes I just want to be heard. I don't need someone to solve all my problems, I just need someone to hold me and listen." The husband jumped at the chance to answer his wife, but I stopped him.

"I want you to respond to Leyner as if he were your wife. This will keep the two of you from becoming defensive and allow you to see each other's point of view."

Confused, the husband looked at the beaming Leyner and said, "I listen, I hold you, but it's always the things that I don't do. I feel like you don't appreciate the things that I do. I barbecue, I walk the dog, I take out the garbage, I even put down the toilet seat. What do you want me to do? Lactate?"

Leyner rose from his chair red-faced, tears welling in his eyes, spittle flying from his mouth as he gesticulated with melodramatic hysteria.

"Bastard . . . You stole my youth and now you're drowning my soul in your vile bullshit. You make love to me as if I were some inflatable doll--pumping for a minute or two, while you watch Sports Center and then losing consciousness. You're torturing me . . . I hate you. I HATE YOU!!!"

Tears streamed down Leyner's face as he wept uncontrollably. The couple sat silently, completely and utterly confused.

So much for the role-playing. Unfortunately there is no easy solution to the Battle of the Sexes but here are some answers. . . .



WHY DO WOMEN PEE MORE THAN MEN?

Any man who has taken a long car trip with a woman truly believes that women need to pee more than men. As we speed down the highway and begrudgingly pull into another rest stop, we wonder whether this is the result of a genetic difference, obsessive water consumption, or a vicious plan to throw us off schedule.

If you happened to be leafing through the February 5, 2005, edition of The Journal of Urology, you could begin to find an answer. Doctors reviewed twenty-four-hour "urinary diaries" of both men and women and recorded fluid intake and urinary frequency. They found that women do pee more often than men but not because they drink more. In fact, men generally have higher fluid intake but don't need to go as often. When men finally feel the urge, they tend to pee in higher volumes than women. This is because men have a larger bladder capacity. That means smaller bladders in the ladies. Women are also more likely to suffer from overactive bladder syndrome which makes them go even more. No wonder the line is always longer at the ladies' room.

Diaries and memoirs are a red-hot genre these days. There's The Diary of Anne Frank, Che Guevara's Motorcycle Diaries, The Personal Memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant, Karrine Steffans' Confessions of a Video Vixen, and, of course, James Frey's A Million Little Pieces. But, if you're inspired by literary ambition, and decide to keep and then publish your Urine Diary, be aware that it will most probably be classified as "nonfiction." You must account accurately for each and every drop, with absolutely no embellishment or hyperbole. Remember--if you fib in your Urine Diary, it could really piss off Oprah.


WHY DO WOMEN HAVE SMALLER FEET THAN MEN?

Overall, women are smaller than men. The "why" is an evolutionary question that is too complex for us to answer here. But the ways in which men and women differ anatomically is more approachable. Male and female feet differ in size relative to stature. Men of the same height as women tend to have longer and wider feet.

When you compare a male and female foot of the same size, the woman's foot will have a higher arch, a shallower first toe, a shorter ankle length, and a smaller instep. Women also have larger calf circumferences.

Women seem to have an incredible knack for disregarding the shape of their feet and forcing them into ever smaller and pointier high heels. This callous disregard makes the foot differences between the genders even greater by ultimately changing the natural shape of female feet. In 1993, it was reported by the American Orthopedic Foot and Ankle Society, that 88 percent of the women surveyed wore shoes smaller than their actual foot size. No wonder our wives are constantly patching their traumatized feet with Band-Aids and tape.


ARE MEN BETTER THAN WOMEN AT MATH?

Danger! Danger! Answering this question incorrectly may force us to sleep on the couch with our wives beating us with the infamous Teen Talk Barbie that was programmed to say, "Math is hard!"

Harvard University president Lawrence Summers stepped into this minefield in 2005, when he suggested that biological differences might be one of the reasons that fewer women are in the fields of science and engineering. His speech led many professors to protest his statement, and others threatened to withhold donations. Several days later, Summers was forced to apologize. And he has since resigned.

So here are some facts (though these are often debated). . . .

The brains of men and women are definitely different. Women's brains are generally about 10 percent smaller than men's, but this is meaningless when it comes to intelligence. Men and women show no disparity in general intelligence. There are, however, some areas with slight variances. Women are better at visual memory, mathematical calculation, and get better school grades in mathematics. Men, however, are better at mentally rotating shapes, mathematical problem-solving, and score higher on mathematical word problems and on tests of mathematical reasoning.

Whether you agree or disagree on the interpretation of the available data, sociologists generally agree that social factors exaggerated any differences touted in the past. Women are clearly underrepresented in certain scientific fields such as math, engineering, and physics, but women now comprise more than 50 percent of medical students.

In the interest of gender harmony, let's create a new politically correct, asexual Barbie who says something neutral like "Cognitively rotating abstract shapes can be a daunting task--I prefer mathematical calculation and more linguistically complex and empathy-centered forms of interpersonal communication." Fun!

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Excerpted from Why Do Men Fall Asleep after Sex?: More Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor after Your Third Whiskey Sour by Mark Leyner, Billy Goldberg
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.