You Don't Really Know Me : Why Mothers and Daughters Fight and How Both Can Win

by Apter, Terri

• ISBN13: 9780393057584
• ISBN10: 0393057585
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2004-03-01
• Publisher: W W Norton & Co Inc

Summary

Understand what your teenage daughter really meansand learn to use your arguments to strengthen your bond with her. Mothers and teenage daughters argue more than any other child-parent pairon average every two-and-a-half days. These quarrels, Terri Apter shows, are attempts to negotiate changes in a relationship that is valued by both mothers and daughters. A daughter often feels her mother doesn't know or understand her, and by fighting hopes to force her mother into a new awareness of who she really is, how she has changed, and what she is now capable of doing and understanding. But mothers often misinterpret their daughter's outbursts as signs of rejection, and they may pull back feeling hurt and confused. Through case studies and conversations between mothers and daughters, Apter shows mothers how to interpret the meanings behind a daughter's angry words and how to emerge from arguments with a new closeness.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments
INTRODUCTION Love, Conflict, and Growth	3	(11)
CHAPTER 1 The Mother/Daughter Plot	14	(17)
CHAPTER 2 "You're not listening!": The Battle for Recognition	31	(29)
CHAPTER 3 "Let me live my own life!": Why Teenage Girls Are Insulted by Parental Concern	60	(26)
CHAPTER 4 "She can pick an argument out of thin air!": What Lies Behind Teenage Irritability	86	(19)
CHAPTER 5 Power Struggle: The Choreography of Status	105	(17)
CHAPTER 6 Portraits of Mother/Daughter Meltdown	122	(22)
CHAPTER 7 Learning to Fight: Friendship and Conflict	144	(17)
CHAPTER 8 My Mother, My Father: Two Different Relationships	161	(24)
CHAPTER 9 "I'm too fat!": The Ambiguity of Physical Growth	185	(17)
CHAPTER 10 "I know that already!": Sex Talk	202	(19)
CHAPTER 11 "So that's how you feel!": How Conflict Can Lead to Closeness	221	(18)
CHAPTER 12 The Lifelong Dialogue	239	(18)
Notes	257	(8)
Bibliography	265	(6)
Index	271