Is It You or Is It Me? : Why Couples Play the Blame Game

by Wetzler, Scott

• ISBN13: 9780060930295
• ISBN10: 0060930292
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 1999-07-01
• Publisher: Harper Perennial

Summary

In this provocative new look at romantic relationships, psychologist Scott Wetzler explores the widespread phenomenon of misplaced anger that seems to define couple dynamics in the 1990s. He finds a wary, secretive, and combative atmosphere clouding relationships. Partners are feeling hurt and bruised by the very people with whom they are most vulnerable. In desperation and puzzlement, they are asking, "Who's at fault here? Is it you or is it me?" What seems to be driving this "inside-out" dynamic, says Dr. Wetzler, is our increasing inability to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings that intimacy arouses--anger, anxiety, frustration, disappointment, or self-doubt. We have become utterly cynical about love and find it easier to hold our partners responsible for our psychological frailties than to own up to and work through the confusing emotions that inevitably accompany falling and being in love. Written in a strong narrative style with illuminating case examples throughout, here is a book of relationship advice for grownups.

Author Biography

Scott Wetzler, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and professor of psychiatry at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and Montefiore Medical Center, is the author of Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man. Diane Cole is the author of After Great Pain: A New Life Emerges and Hunting the Headhunters: A Woman's Guide.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	p. vii
Is It You or Is It Me? Why We Blame Each Other	p. ix
How Did We Get So Confused? The Psychological Dynamic That Turns Our Emotions Inside Out	p. 1
The Land of He Said/She Said: Are We Struggling with Our Partners or Ourselves?	p. 25
Confronting Anger: Getting from Mutual Rage to Mutual Respect	p. 49
When Happily Ever After Isn't: Blaming Each Other for Our Own Disappointments	p. 75
The Dance of Mutual Dependency: Why We Fight It, and Why We Shouldn't	p. 99
Confusing Love with Emasculation: The Fragile Male Ego	p. 122
Raw and Vulnerable: Women's Fear of Intimacy	p. 147
Exposing Ourselves: Splitting Off Sex from Emotion	p. 170
Whose Side Are You On? When We Compete Instead of Partner	p. 187
Separation Pains: Moving Beyond the Scorched-Earth Divorce	p. 206
Reconciling the Past: Healing Ourselves, Forgiving Others	p. 225
Going Forward: Insight, Mastery, Tolerance	p. 237
Index	p. 248
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