Foreword: Finding Freedom and Knowing Love

xiii

bell hooks

Introduction

xvii

Jill Corral

Lisa Miya-Jervis

A Bride's Anxiety

(7)

Karen Eng

We had naturally and quietly come to our decision to get engaged long ago. But once it became official, the invasion of privacy by others---even the threat of it---threw me right out of whack.

A Marriage of My Own

(10)

Kate Epstein

I had vowed not to marry young---which was a moderate position. When my parents broke up during my teens, I'd announced that I would never marry at all.

Naming Daisy Canaan

(5)

Kitsey Canaan

Having chosen my own name made it precious. A year later, pregnant, I wanted my child to have that name, too. It was a surprise, because I used to redicule this ``passing on a name'' sentiment when it was voiced by a man.

Twenty-One Questions

(14)

Jane Eaton Hamilton

They could both wear gowns. They could both wear tuxedo. One could wear a gown and one could wear a tuxedo. They could flip for it. But neither of them has worn a dress in ten years.

Why I Don't

(11)

Rachel Fudge

Legal protection and Le Creuset crockpots notwithstanding, there's more to this marriage business than meets the eye. What, exactly, does all this talk of legitimacy and maturity have to do with me, with Hugh, with us?

One Queer Family: The Ultimate Mixed Marriage

(9)

Faith Haaz-Landsman

The concept of a practicing lesbian marrying a chronic gay man because they love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together is too queer for most to comprehend.

The Two-Body Problem

(8)

Georgette Chen

John and I have been together for ten years, which is a crazy enough idea for me to get my mind around. But there's more---we've never even lived in the same city. If you added up all the time we've actually spent together, Our relationship would be only two years old.

Table for Three, Please

(8)

Ellen Anne Lindsey

For Most people, the question ``Are you married?'' is not a hard one. For me, it is. And when I answer, I always feel dishonest, because while ``No'' is the easiest answer, it's not really the right answer.

Oh Baby

(6)

Erin Aubry-Kaplan

Over the course of my pregnancies I settled on feeling like I could recommend nothing---not unplanned children, or abortions, or hasty marriages, or marriages that might bring children you didn't want. I am also certain that I must have something, that something must work its way out of me at the cost of great pain, and my writing must suffice as a birth.

A Suitable Union

(11)

Bhargavi C. Mandava

The combination of Mark's atheistic upbringing and my polytheistic roots left us in a philosophical tangle. To our surprise, we discovered that there was much that resonated with us in the Vedic vows.

Omnisexual for Life

(5)

Sabrina Margarita Alcantara-Tan

When I feel unsure, I remind myself of my struggle in getting both the queer and straight communities to accept my marriage and sexual identity. I will always speak out about queer and feminist issues. I will always consider myself queer. I will always be a fierce woman, a lover of women, a lover of men, a lover of third sexes.

Teenage Army Bride

(8)

Bee Lavender

Somehow, in our impetuous rush toward adulthood, we found that our mutual admiration was not enough to make a marriage. We were too young and too stubborn. Real adults are not outlaws, and good parents must be adults.

My Best Friend's Not Coming to My Wedding

105

(13)

Jennifer Maher

Couple my own political ambivalence about the institution of marriage (though not the man with whom I was entering it) with Astrid's uncanny inability to let sleeping feminist dogs lie, and there's gonna be trouble in Friendship City.

Pillow Talk

118

(8)

Maria Raha

I'm tired of having something to reveal. I wish I could sit just once in this backyard with my legs wrapped around you and the moths moondancing above us, and really have to think hard to remember what was the biggest, most earthshattering thing that's ever happened to me.

Raw Material

126

(14)

Sonya Huber

Both times ``yes'' flew out of my mouth, I imagined I was being promised a new view of my man, like marriage was a little door we could step through and everything would change. He'd start to deliver on all these promises and unfulfilled expectations I'd been socking away like extra twist ties and paper bags.

Sex and the Shacked-Up Girl

140

(6)

Stacy Bierlein

Enjoy excuses others make over the years for your unmarried status: her wanderlust, her reading list, their commitment phobia. Later you'll be able to ask them: If my wanderlust is to blame, why have I been here for eight years?

The Lesbian Baby Dance

146

(11)

Diane Anderson-Minshall

After nearly ten years of talking, stalling, crying and ``processing,'' we've decided to have a baby. I never thought I'd have kids. But, at thirty-two, my life isn't as jet set as I expected. I don't even think I want it to be jet set.

The Crossing of Arms: A Pagan Handfasting

157

(8)

Denise Brennan Watson

Jay and I had much freedom to shape our ceremony. We used this leeway to transform spiritual differences into a bridge connecting Christian and Pagan paths. Each drew from and honored the other.

One Size Does Not Fit All (or, My Brief Career as a Political Action Figure)

165

(7)

Leigh Cotnoir

It seemed only right that Heather and I get married in front of our southern community before leaving Louisiana. At the time, we felt like we were the gay revolution.

The Why of the Y

172

(9)

Leslie Miller

I don't look like a wife (how does a wife look?), I don't act like a wife (or do I ?), I never intended to be one (this part's true). But the great state of Nevada tells me that it's so, there's a checkbook that suggests a joint account and the Social Security Administration sent me a letter suggesting I change my name. There's also a husband---a dear, loving life partner---who appears in my house in the evening (perhaps the most convincing piece of evidence yet).

Sex Scenes

181

(15)

Noelle Howey

I had learned my lesson: Date abusive guys, but keep the relationships short. That way you can get your sexual kicks, but not have a strong emotional attachment that might come back to bite you. Then, after two years in the city, I met Christopher. I also learned how vicious my own rigid stereotypes had been.

Off the Map

196

(8)

Carrie Jones

The cynical part of me dismissed the older women's comments as Erma Bombeck-style crap, but I was glad that I didn't say something ride. That night taught me that what is common is not automatically banal. That night, what was common among us kept me alive and intact. These women led me through my own first moments of tragedy as a wife.

Bitter Pill

204

(8)

A. E. Berkowitz

My partner simply did not---could not---share my understanding of the gravity of the birth---control decision. He wasn't the one who was going to be swallowing, injecting or shoving some foreign object inside himself. For all my grand ideas about shared responsibilities, here was one area where biology was going to have to be destiny.

Something to Believe In

212

(6)

Jennifer M. Collins

I understood spirituality most clearly on a September afternoon on the Maine seaside, when I vowed to love and be honest with and cherish this woman and our relationship.

Reluctant Bride and Groom

218

(9)

Juhu Thukral

Jeff and I got married as a result of intense emotional blackmail and guilt. It was all about creating harmony between my mate and my family of origin, whose commitment to thousands of years of tradition was never going to change.

In Search of the Elusive Orgasm

227

(10)

Lori L. Tharps

The Harlequin model of orgasmic pleasure was indelible. I believed that if an orgasm didn't come naturally at the hands of the man I loved, then it was never going to happen at all.

Answering Homer

237

(11)

Katie Hubert

Until the aftermath of our breakup, I thought we'd both understood that sooner or later one or both of us would find a woman who made us whole. I thought the knew that our mythology was what we wanted to be true, not what would finally become truth.

Outside Expectations

248

(10)

Lilace Mellin Guignard

Getting outdoors alone together is our marriage---maintenance plan. And out there---among the High Sierra conifers, in the cold Appalachian rivers and on the scalding sandstone cliffs---Jimmy and I can concentrate on who we want to be for each other. Our culture expects every relationship to have a stronger and weaker partner, one who loves more and one less. But nature has no such expectations.

So Yoro Ka Djan (Home Is Far Away)

258

(12)

Lauren Simith

I am from the South. Hassimi is from the orange plains of sub-Saharan Africa. Neither my husband nor I feel entirely at home in these states whose names our families confuse. So we build our lives together not only across our own cultural differences, but also on foreign territory.

Love, Longer Style

270

(12)

Andi Zeisler

For the past twenty-seven years, my most significant other had been privacy. All of a sudden, the comforts and rituals of solitude that made up my life seemed threatened. Could I make room for an equally significant other, or did the first one have to go?

Contributors

282

(7)

About the Editors

289